Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Umbrella-ella-ella-ella

Nothing can set my mood - for the worse – like being out in the rain. Especially if it’s during rush hour and I’ve got my 45 minute commute on the bus and metro… It’s not that I’m made of sugar and am afraid of melting, it’s the smells that seem to escape from the huddle cramped masses in the buses and metro cars that simply put give me dry heaves…

As it happens yesterday I left the office, as I usually do at 5 o’clock, made my way over to the buss stop and no sooner was I there then the sky decided to rip wide open. Fortunately, there is a shelter there and having arrived just before a throng that had to wait for a light to cross the street I was well into the shelter before they arrived.

The bus arrived and we began to enter. I started to make my dutiful way to the ‘back of the bus’. By about mid point in the process though, my dislike of crowded wet buses and to be perfectly honest – people in general took hold. Their lack of respect of the others trying to get into the bus, move back to make room for others wears me very thin, VERY fast. And so, ‘elbows out’ and with ‘heavy feet’ I trod, and checked a great many of the idiot sardines who try to pretend they don’t see others trying to enter the bus. When one made a snide remark I simple said “Yea, standing in the middle of the isle… you’re fucking brilliant. MOVE.” Then pointed to the sign that appears a good 6-8 times indicating that people should “Move to the back of the Bus”. If the rain had not set the mood already, that putz certainly had.

The remainder of the trip was fairly uneventful, if not a skotch smelly… How a metro car with no dogs can smell like a dog shelter complete with limburger air fresheners is beyond me, but there you go. Forty-five minutes later exit the metro and head to the grocery store to pick up a couple things for supper.

As I started my short trek home from the grocery store the rain stopped and so at least I didn’t have to manage the ‘awkward holding two bag of groceries while holding an open umbrella’ walk. I closed my brolly and continued walking home. At Papineau and Ste-Catherine - a very busy intersection (due to bridge traffic) - I waited for the light to change. Knowing that the drivers wanting to turn from Ste-Catherine onto Papineau to get to the bridge often make the turn with great haste, I am always cautious. As soon as the lights change there’s always a couple cars that rip around the corner regardless of the pedestrians that are waiting to cross, and whom I might add have the RIGHT OF WAY. But then there are always a couple of people who need that extra 5 seconds of their life to attend their very very important lives at home… After they pass, I and two others waiting at the corner make our move and start crossing the street on the, wait for it… CROSS WALK. We get about midway, when this ass-wipe pours on the gas and not only starts turning, looking directly at us but cuts us off and turns onto Papineau on the wrong side of the street. This move not only was NOT done to avoid hitting us, rather it was very plainly maneuvered in spite of us. Not to mention the car that was arriving at the intersection on Papineau on the – right side if the street – that had to slam on his breaks to avoid being hit. As he passed, we three cross-walkers had to slam on our own breaks. I took the opportunity to voice my immediate rage at the situation by cursing “FUCKING ASSHOLE” at the car, and since I was close enough because Mr. Wipe cut us off I swung my trusty umbrella around and hit the back of his lovely SUV. The two other people on the crosswalk laughed.

Misster-Kitty: 1
Mr. Asswipe: 0

Feeling a sense of calm, after venting, I finished crossing the street. At the corner I saw my friend Alex who too, was on his way home, but in the opposite direction. He laughed, gave me a high five signal and said “That was fucking awesome. Uh-oh, he stopped his car…” I turned looked and shrugged, said ‘Whatever’, wished Alex a good evening and continued on my way home.

At the next cross street to Ste-Catherine, as I was crossing, who should appear, but Mr. Wipe, screeching on his breaks in front of me. I made the slight detour to move around his car (he stopped on the crosswalk… nothing but class, this guy) and got out. I looked at him and said, “Well at least you stopped at THIS crosswalk:” and continued on my way. He began to scream and curse at me telling me to ”get back here. You hit my car… blah blah blah”. I waved my hand back at him and kept on walking.

Misster-Kitty: 2
Mr. Asswipe: 0

Looking up ahead I saw a cop car 2 blocks away. He had now left his car running and was coming after me... Yelling as if I’d just murdered his first born. I turn and said “Listen asshole. You cut me and two other people off on a crosswalk, and nearly hit a car. Now you’re parked ON a crosswalk and look, here comes a cop. Maybe we should stop him and discuss what happened. I’m sure we can find the two other people you just cut off, and if not, my friend Alex was at the corner and saw everything… “ He said “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that” I said “Am I?” and raised my arm to flag the cop that was almost beside us. Mr. Wipe said “Shit” and ran to his car. I turned and said “Have a nice evening, fucktard.”

Misster-Kitty: 3
Mr. Asswipe: 0

To some my actions might seem over the top, unnecessary or even reckless. To them I say, I am only doing what many would want to do and say but don’t. Now I know this Sophia Petrillo-like behavior, where I do and say what I think, even in high tension situations is probably not all that wise, but then I can’t help it, it’s who I am, it’s what I do. And I can also tell you this… I will continue…

14 comments:

N@ Lauzon said...

Kitty, I know you and I - we can never be for oh, so many reasons. But I am not ashamed to tell you - that I love you. Yes, love you. And all that you represent to the common pedestrian.

YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. "Have a nice evening, Fucktard" killed me.

Misster Kitty said...

Glad you liked it as it was happeneing I thought of two people... YOU and XUP

ayem8y said...

You brave man. So many suggestions…First off carry mace for those days without an umbrella. Get an umbrella that doubles as a rifle or a sword like the Avengers or better yet carry a rifle.

For the trains I would wear a reflective safety guard sash, dark sunglasses, and a cane for the blind, earmuffs and most importantly nose plugs! An electric fence worn about the neck is also most effective.

John said...

I too, say "Bravo" with a heart fulla love.

Down with assholes.

Misster Kitty said...

I don't wanna brag, but you should see my umbrella... it's frickin' huge! When closed it doubles as a walking stick and actually has an attachment that allows it to double as a lawn or beach umbrella. It's highly likely that Asstard would have more closely approached me but I tend to hold it in a sword like fashion and I guess it might be a little intimidating...

and I like the Mace idea.. but a Taser might be even better!

Maria said...

can I borrow you and bring you with me to bitch at every person I want to bitch at but don't really bother too?

Misster Kitty said...

sure!

Maria said...

wow, that was easy.

What do you do with people who have nothing better to do but to involve themselves in your life CONSTANTLY?!!!!!
I have tried telling them off, ignoring them, next time I am going to hit them with an umbrella and see how that works. YOU HAVE INSPIRED MOI!

XUP said...

Thanks Kitty! I've smacked many a car trying to kill me in the crosswalk, too -- never with an umbrella, though. I hope he goes home and has a stroke from pent up rage. HA! Also, I hate, hate, hate buses on a rainy day. Everyone is damp and stinky and the bus is at least twice as full as usual and someone is always dripping something all over you and you end up wetter than if you'd just walked.

Newsguy Bob said...

I am bowing as I type this, Kitty: YOU DA MAN!
Now someone else remind me to not ever piss off Kitty, okay?

Jerome said...

I friend of mine used to work with the blind and visually impaired teaching mobility skills. She actively encouraged her clients to "accidentally" hit cars with their canes if the drivers didn't respect crosswalks appropriately.

(The verification is "ufefof", which I enjoy.)

Mitzi said...

A cattle prod can work wonders in crowded places. May I suggest the Magrath, molded of tough structural grade, high-impact plastic & includes a flexible shaft. Gives efficient electrical conduction & long battery life.

John said...

No Jerome... ufefof!! How rude! ;)

Ha! Mine's "idopgog". Not quite intelligent, but enjoyable.

Misster Kitty said...

Seems I'm not nearly the violent personality I thought I was... First thing this Friday (which I'm off from work, heh) I shall purchase something terrific and medieval like a Mace, or Battle-Axe or maybe something a tad more 'highlands'... like a Claymore... cause I've always wanted an excuse to wear a Kilt...