Sunday, April 29, 2007

Never feed squirrels by yourself!

Tell me THAT doesn't catch your attention...

OK so here's the back story...
A few weeks ago back Me and the Man went for a nice leisurely walk up to Parc Lafontaine and back. We noticed a few squirrels, and so I commented at the time, 'Next time we come up here we should bring some peanuts to feed them.' to which my Man said, 'Sure. Sounds good.'

Then...
Last weekend we bought a Kilo bag of Peanuts in the Shell. (No salt, as we don't want to give them high BP) In preperation

Cut to 3:30 pm this afternoon...
The rain stopped and it seemed like it might stay away for awhile so we decided to go for a walk. I grabbed a small paper bag and filled it with about 1/4 of the BIG BAG o' PEANUTS. We walked up to the parc and took a small stroll around the pond. (Well more like an oversized Zen garden that's none to Zen... there's next to no water, it's all round little rocks.)

We saw a couple of squirrels in the distance, but none close enough and those that were close were soon frightened away by either marauding toddlers or un-leashed dogs.

Finally after a full loop of the rock pond we climbed the hill and saw a squirrel not too far up a tree. So I threw a goober at the ground in front of the tree he was in, and he soon scampered down, grabbed the peanut in his mouth and scurried back up the tree. We saw another and tossed him a nut as well, and then I said, 'Ok we've done all we need to do for now, lets sit down.'

We brushed the few remaining drops of water off a bench and within 1 minute over came the original squirrel... then the other and then another. Then this cute little blonde number scampered on over.

Very cute! (I've been here almost 16 years and never saw a blonde squirrel before! Eventually we saw 3, but I digress...)

Soon we were feeding them hand over fist... and still they came. More and more until it was impossible to feed them all by hand... We had to start tossing little handfuls about to thin them out a bit. And they were still coming. From the front... from left and right... from behind... everywhere.

It was impossible to see them coming all at once and when I looked to my left, one climbed up my right leg onto my lap. and it scared the shit outta me! LOL He scampered off and I made sure, Mr. Impatient Fluffy Tail got the next peanut, less he aim for MY peanuts next!

More and more they came...


Small Squirrel bitch fights started to erupt. Little furry Whitneys and Bobbies... scratching and screeching at each other for a peanut like it was the last line of cocaine after a weekend in Vegas... We were now their pushers, and we had a very impatient lot of Peanut Junkies... looking very intently on us for their next hit... They were all looking strung out, and I swear I saw one scratching under a small squirrel-sized wig croaking out about how '... the children are our future...'

And then it happened....

...I reached in the bag and there were only 5 peanuts left...

Slowly I turned to my Man, while at the same time brushing two squirrels off my shins.. and I said in a calm low voice. 'Get up. We need to get up and start to walk away. We are almost out of p-e-a-n-u-t-s.' (spelling the word, lest they understand what I was saying and attack)

We started to stand, but it was too late. They knew. Of course they knew. They'd seen our type before... they knew it wouldn't last. And even in their knowing, with the smell of peanut breath heady in the air, they started encroaching on us. More and more. Closer and closer.

We started to walk away, but had to keep turning in swift spins to ensure they would not jump us from behind. And then, I swear I heard a bugle blow and they started all to run after us.



We headed further up the hill and passed a family of three on a nearby bench. This seemed to be a fateful move as the squirrels seemed to be distracted by family and stopped in front of them looking for something, anything... peanuts maybe... or blood?

---

We were able to escape this time. And in our post adrenaline rush I said, 'That was fun, we should do it again' He said 'Sure!' We knew we were both hooked on this as much as the army of Fluffy Tailed demons...

And so we'll be back again, and this time we'll be wearing chainmail and I'll take some video for y'all to see. And if we don't make it out alive... well then, let this be the prelude to the "Blair Witch III Squirrels seek Blood"

13 comments:

N@ Lauzon said...

OH MY FREAKIN' GOD! BEST STORY EVER!! And the pics are priceless!
I've never seen a blonde squirrel either. Did the carpet match the curtains?

COOL!!!!

Misster Kitty said...

I'm telling you it was a freakin' hoot! I cannot wait to do it again!

Who needs Bungie-Jumping, Parachuting, or Running with the Bulls. I say, go feed the squirrels! And keep on feeding them till they out-weight you in combined body mass. Then and only then, try to escape! Your adrenaline will be pumping so high you'll be bouncing yourself. (Depends undergarments might be a good suggestion to consider....) No longer a leisurely Sunday promenade around the park... you're now Schwarzenegger in the Running Man.

As for blondie... seemingly the carpet did match the drapes... not that I looked (She-Squirrel is just not my 'thing'), but that there were multiples of the blonde I can only assume that it's natural... either that or they get a group discount on Cairol Nice 'n Easy # 103 Natural Light Neutral Blonde ...for small woodland animals of course! OR maaaaaaaaaybe they were all clones, created by some evil mad-scientist type pigeon, keen on hypnotising the He-Squirrel population, to overthrow the apparent Squirrel dominance in the park, so that the Pigeons will reign supreme and un-hindered from all things cute and furry... Or maybe I just watch too many movies...

I will say this in their cute blonde defence... the blonde ones did seem far gentler and less 'mob-scene' ... I'd make some allusion to Blondes being, well, a little, lets say vacuous, but really I know better... (and value my life!)

To borrow one more analogy from the Govenator... 'We'll be Baaack!' and we WILL take some video. You just cannot believe how quickly those fluffy-tailed fuzzy things turn from something cute and adorable like Emmanuel Lewis to the multiple, mini (albeit furry) versions of Regan MacNeil from the Exorcist.

John said...

"You just cannot believe how quickly those fluffy-tailed fuzzy things turn from something cute and adorable like Emmanuel Lewis to the multiple, mini (albeit furry) versions of Regan MacNeil from the Exorcist."

...Or Rita MacNeil at the Mandarin buffet restaurant. Hi-Yo!

Misster Kitty said...

"Rita MacNeil' rhymes with 'eat a big meal'

Coincidence...
...je pense pas.

Ma Horton said...

That is the most amazing and weird story ever . I wonder if they plan to take over the world . You think they were albino ? I have never seen freaking squirrels that colour either . I used to think the flying squirrels at the lake were strange but the "blondies ' are something else ! ( ..wonder if they have more fun than the brunettes .. )

Jerome said...

I'm exceptionally amused. I once had a similarly eerie, though shorter-lived, experience with feral cats at an abandoned amusement park.

Misster Kitty said...

We thought they might be albinos at first, but NAY... the eyes are brown not pink... They are still a bit Freak-a-deak. I can't wait to go back...

...but alas it will only be in two weeks. We are off to Ottawa this coming weekend. ... Yea I know! Ottawa... (sorry NGB) Visiting friends, going to an Art opening for one of said friends, Tulips.. etc...

OK back to Squirrels... The Blonde Squirrels... They Are I am sure EVIL but like oh so many things evil they are damn cute!

As for Feral cats... I'd be freaking just a bit. You know when cats do that weird guttural moan/growl... me no likely! THAT is true evil!

T said...

Thanks for the story, it would have made me laugh out loud, but my little guy is sleeping on the couch... I look forward to Revenge of the Squirrels, the sequel...

Maria said...

You are just a sucker for punishment aren't ya??

When hubby and I first married (and I was 22) I made the mistake of opening my back door to feed the squirrel that looked so cold and hungry outside, the damn thing ran into my house and I hid in the bathroom until hubby got home (this is prior cell phone days).

NEVER AGAIN AM I FEEDING ANYMORE SQUIRRELS!

Misster Kitty said...

LMAO! that's a good one!

It's not so much that I'm 'sucker for punishment' ...it's just that we liked the thrill of not knowing if we'd make it out alive!

With that in mind we're both updating our Wills before we go back out there. After all... if we don't make it back, we want to make sure that the goldfish (Guaca and Mole) are well looked after.

Maria said...

Add me in your will and thats M-A-R-I-A make sure to spell it correctly. I will take care of GUACAMOLE.

Maria said...

Opppppps I mean GUACA & MOLE. LOL

I know someone who has pirahna's and they feed them goldfish at lunch time. I can't believe people do things like that but they told me that these "fish" are suppossedly bred as food. Yeah right, I bet no one told the goldfish that and they figured it out all by themselves once they were stuck in a tank (with no way out) with fishies with very BIG freakin' teeth. No wonder fish sleep with one eye open!!

Misster Kitty said...

Maria, consider it done!

FYI they like to get a bath every Wed night.